Shadow Work

I’m learning to be ok with being uncomfortable. With that comes irritability, intrusive thoughts, and limiting beliefs about myself that I attach to. Learning to be ok with being uncomfortable to me means not trying to change any of it but letting it all be apart of my experience as a human.

Summary and a shortened version of a conversation I had with a Shadow work facilitator:

Goal: To figure out where my desire to drink is coming from.

Preface: In a previous conversation the part of me called ‘Assistant Manager’ came up. It was previously discovered that the Assistant Manager has been running the ship (my life) for a long time, and at some point she took over and I (the General Manager)  took a vacation. Assistant Manager has been doing a wonderful job running things, but there are some things she’s overlooked because she only sees the big picture, which is keeping us all alive and the boat staying afloat at any cost. All of this has really been wearing her out. So as General Manager I’d like to give Assistant Manager a well deserved break. 

S:Because I drank last night now I’m managing a craving to continue to drink again tonight. It’s frustrating, exhausting, and I want to figure out where this is coming from. Maybe if I figure out what this desire is really looking for it’ll make more sense. 

A:“What do you get out of drinking?”

S: A sense of freedom, of ‘not giving a fuck.’ 

A: “Ok, and what’s stopping you?” 

S: Assistant Manager. She doesn’t want to hand over the control to anyone and doesn’t want me to drink because it might get out of hand.

A: “She thinks you’ll sink the boat?” 

S: Yes, she feels like she needs to manage Freedom. 

A: “Ok so it sounds like you have a sort of tug of war going on, where one part of you wants you to say ‘fuck it,’ and craves freedom, and Assistant Manager wants to do what she does and manager and stay in control. Sounds like they’re in opposition.”

S: Yes, this back and forth tug of war they’re doing is exhausting because I’m just here in the middle trying to give them both what they want. 

A: “And how old is Freedom?”

S: She feels 14. I lived with my mom and she was very controlling and hypocritical. She was judgmental and tried to control everything I did. I was always expected to clean the house excessively and feed my sisters and take care of them while she went out and partied or locked herself in her room getting drunk and high. I often got upset with her and yelled at her and she would yell back and physically hold me down until I stopped. She took away my friends and I felt completely alone and isolated, and so fucking angry at her.  Then I moved in with my dad, and I had very little responsibility, really none at all. I went from being overly controlled to an abundance of freedom, or what I’d call neglect now that I’m an adult. I started drinking and using drugs to escape the feeling of loneliness and sadness. 

A: “What was 14 feeling before the drugs?”

S: Anger. A lot of anger and rage at my mom. I can see her, 14 year old me, to the left right now, she feels so much rage she wants to scream at Mom and tell her off. She’s angry that mom took everything from her and left her feeling alone and broken and she had no one to help her. 

But I’m still not really feeling any of this in my body, 14 is feeling it off to my left. 

A: “What’s the resistance to feeling it?”

S: I feel a ton of resistance. I can see that she feels angry, I can see her clearly and I can somewhat feel her rage, but it feels separate from me, it doesn’t feel like me. 

It actually makes a lot of sense why we can feel others’ emotions around us but are also able to separate ourselves from identifying with their emotions.

A: “Yes, like we’re all fractionated pieces of God.”

S: Yeah, exactly. 

So I want to figure out how I can bring 14 back into me so she’s not fractionated anymore.

A: “So what’s the resistance? What are you afraid might happen if you allowed yourself to really tap into anger?” 

S: She might lose control. She pulled her hair out of her head last time she felt it, she cut her arms, and she couldn’t breathe. She has no one there to support her, she’s all alone.
She feels sad now. 

A: “Was anger protecting her from feeling sad? Kind of like a big sister?”

S: Yeah, anger is protecting 14 from getting trapped in sadness. Because sadness is debilitating. There’s no escaping sadness. 

A: “It feels like quicksand?”

S:Yes, exactly. It feels like quicksand. 

14 decided that it’s easier to say ‘fuck all of this, lets numb it.’ I can see now how she uses drugs and drink so she doesn’t have to feel any of that anger or sadness. It’s easier and more manageable to use not to feel, because she really feels alone in this, she has no one to support her. So this is how she supports herself, by avoiding feeling sad and angry and depressed and lonely. But what she really wants is someone to nurture and protect her. She wants someone to love and support her and not call her crazy, not tell her she’s broken, she just wants someone to love her unconditionally. Someone she can trust.

A: “What’s the anecdote for being trapped in quicksand?”
-Calmness. 

A: “Is there a part of you, as the Owner of the ship, who’s able to provide all of that for her?”

S: Yeah, there’s a part of me that’s nurturing, and loving, calm, and unconditionally accepting. I can give that to her. That’s really what she wants. She just wants to feel like someone cares, like she can express herself in all the ways she wants to without being judged or criticized. She wants someone there to support her when she’s in the deep end, in the depths of sadness and feels alone and trapped. Nurture can be there for her and wants to be. 

A: “So 14 really just wants unconditional love from you and to be herself?”

S: Yeah. But I can’t really tap into 14, she still feels like she’s to my left and I can feel all of her feelings but they still feel separate from me. Nurture feels like she is me, she feels like she lives in my heart and she’s part of me.

A: “Right, Nurture feels more like you because there's more coherence. And 14 feels like she’s fractionated off.”

S: Yes. She’s split off and I want to bring her back in. I want to bring all of the fractionated pieces of me back in.

A: “Ok what’s the resistance to bringing 14 back in?”

S: She doesn’t know if it’s really safe to express all that anger, or be in that sadness. She wants to know if it’s safe to express it whenever it comes up at any moment. 

A: “She needs reassurance?” 

S: “Yes, she needs to know that Nurture will always be there to support her and offer her unconditional acceptance, always. Always. That it’ll never change. 

A“Is Nurture willing to do that?”

S: Oh absolutely. She loves her. And I can feel now that’s all 14 ever really wanted. She can feel Nurture giving it to her. She feels supported and unconditionally accepted and loved. 

A: “Does she still want to drink?”
Nope, she has no desire to drink right now.